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Heavy Heart

by Girl Blue

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1.
I’m all awash with bathtub tears I’m staring up at subway tiles I think I’ll close my eyes down here Just wake me when the train arrives My hair is algae; skin is sand I tell myself one hundred lies My legs become a mermaid tail Just wake me when the train arrives. You see, every night’s fourth of July So I’m numb to every fire-lit sky I lose myself in violet poems I lose the names of those I know So what’s my love when I’m alone And time’s a rolling mirror ball And no one’s picking up the phone Because no one ever placed a call? It ain’t no plugged in hair blow-dryer It’s not a TV suicide No gulp or two of bubble bath No Kool-aid full of cyanide It’s a rope gone red from bloody hands The mud from heels that dig in dirt The love that loving takes from you The sick impatience of the hurt And it’s not wanting to die, but live It’s swallowing your pride for thirst It’s a doomed thought that your bathtub Isn’t deep enough to drown in…. Oh, I need a friend I need a hand I lock myself out of my mind I’m stuck beneath this mermaid sand Please wake me when the train arrives.
2.
I was counting tips and laughing like a maniac I threw that cash out on a big bed in a movie I was feeling like I’d finally outrun the bad guys Like I got away with something And now I’m packing heat and watching as the world goes crazy And in my corner I’ve been practicing my great escape I’ll be fine as long as no one catches on too early No, just let me keep on running But I look in the mirror and See a mouth move around to say You can’t hide forever Now I run down the flicker hall Like a hunted animal Because I can’t hide forever And you can’t hide forever And this room runs on a clock that stopped five years ago But I keep the blinds shut, baby, I don’t want to know Because I’m apocalyptic, disciplined, and panic-dreaming And I’ve got blood on my hands But I look in the mirror and See a mouth move around to say You can’t hide forever Now I run down the flicker hall Like a hunted animal Because I can’t hide forever And you can’t hide forever
3.
Same Way 03:40
I could drink your wine if I wanted I could keep you up all night I could let the stars into my eyes They could tell you stories so bright But I will never come when you call me I will never answer to that name Because it’s getting too late now honey And you know, if we went there, we couldn’t come back the same way. And so you tell me you’re done with that You need me because I’m abstract Well, I’ve got something like the same for you, I’m just slower now to react. Because if you saw me in my blacks and my whites Like long, dark hair in the moonlight If you found me in my cage now, honey In the space behind the stage Would you still feel the same way? Well I’ve got nothing but love for you honey I keep myself hidden away But I want nothing but the best for us honey I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to say Now, I’ve known it since I was young We only go around just once So if it seems like I’m resisting your love I’m just trying not to mess it up Because I just want to get better at this guitar And I’m just trying to get out of these dive bars Because I came here with a song to play And if I have any say, I’m going out the same way. Well I’ve got nothing but love for you honey I keep myself hidden away But I want nothing but the best for us honey I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to say
4.
Falling Star 03:44
I am tired of beautiful women, they are everywhere I turn. They're plastered up real big on the mall marquee. They make me feel like I was made wrong. They make me feel like I was made wrong. And I am tired of watching their whole lives, of scrolling endless until I'm numb, of knowing how much they all hang out with each other, of feeling how deep I'm alone. Of feeling how deep I'm alone. So I want a big house in the middle of nowhere, and I want a big garden where I can watch things grow. I want a real life with people that love me. If I fit inside my TV, I don't even want to know. I am tired of being a woman in a world that dangles keys, telling me what I seek is independence so I forget that I'm not free. Yeah, I'm alone, but I'm not free. And I am tired of taking my clothes off just to put a new dress on, all for some girls who've been selling me my own damn dream since I was really just too young. I can see now, I was too young. So I want a big house in the middle of nowhere, and I want a big garden where I can watch things grow. I want a real life with people that love me. If I fit inside my TV, I don't even want to know. And I am tired of fearing the silence. I'm too sick to laugh at God. I don't care anymore if no one's up there, I'm gonna start looking up. Oh I want a big house in the middle of nowhere, and I want a big garden where I can watch things grow. I want a real life with people that love me. If I fit inside my TV, I don't even want to know. If I fit inside my TV, I don't even want to know. If I fit inside my TV, please don't let me know.
5.
Heaven 03:28
I run it all day I never turn it off I run it ’til the batteries go And when the batteries die I just throw them out There’s always more batteries around And nothing can stop me from playing my games Nothing can stop me from living When I go to heaven, I’ll be where I am now I got no use for religion I got a lot of things supposed to make me happy Got a lot of people, too But my screen’s blue Yeah, I’m an internet loser Choking down a day dream And no one can stop me from hating myself Nothing can make me forget it When I go to heaven, I’ll be where I am now I got no use for delusion I’m running all day Somebody slow me down I’d like to smell a flower or two But I’ve got no time Don’t you know who I am? I’m the queen of my cell phone And nothing can stop me from getting ahead Nothing can stop me from winning When I go to heaven, I’ll be where I am now I got no use for reflection
6.
Just a Dream 03:29
You stack your deck with your mother’s cards You’d break your back for your father’s heart You go to sleep with the heavenly You wake up slow and you hit repeat But You and me We should be driving faster Music should be blasting Cast out We should scream Open up our eyes and Stay awake our whole life Oh I’m Just a dream Oh you’re Just a dream I gave a ride to a stranger once He led me down to the dangerous He did his best to dismember me But I have been what I’ll always be Heavenly You and me We should be driving faster Music should be blasting Cast out We should scream Open up our eyes and Stay awake our whole life Oh I’m Just a dream Oh you’re Just a dream I’ll let you see me with my skin untied We’ll make the most of the dying light Then swim away with the heavenly We’ll do whatever helps us get free You and me We should be driving faster Music should be blasting Cast out We should scream Open up our eyes and Stay awake our whole life Oh we’re Just a dream Just a dream
7.
Black Hole 04:34
The whole world’s filled with wedding vows and rings I reached out, touched forever, it was freezing And now I’ve racked my brain for hours But I can’t understand the damn thing. When I close my eyes, I always see the black hole It devours the only star I ever follow home So I can’t see the point — You do it right, you still end up alone. But I, I wanna do it all with you. Oh I, I wanna lose it all with you. When I was young, I loved like it was always I found the flower in every little bud I could see But now the flower’s bloomed And all this love is honey for the bees And they take it from me But I, I wanna give it all to you. Oh I, I wanna lose it all to you. I’m at the head of a table in a chattering silence Everybody’s looking, but nobody’s watching And it’s out under the shadow of a night so cold It is the rough and the tumble of the dark way home And it comes around here, more often than not, To remind me of something I never really forgot: You’re the waterfall And I’m just water, and that’s all. I don’t know what any of it really means It’s a slow death loneliness, red as falling leaves. But I will remain idealistic, And I will take you with me when I go. Because I, I only wanna be with you. Oh I, I only ever wanna be with you.
8.
Honest 02:50
I been a good girl Doin’ ritual Smokin’ pot and Stretchin’ my body out. I been losin’ friends like weight Shakin’ off the world Takin’ on the lonely work. I was a liar for the mirror Now I’m honest for no one. I was a liar for the mirror Now I’m honest for no one. And you You been a dirty dog, crawlin’ around Now you show up, you show off Stretch your body out. You’re lookin’ real good High performance Only thing is No one likes you now. You were a liar at the party Now you’re honest for no one. You were a liar at the party Now you’re honest for no one. I been dressin’ up real nice since thirteen but it never felt quite right, ya know? I been dressin’ up real nice since thirteen but it never felt quite right, Until now I was a liar for the mirror Now I’m honest for no one. I was a liar for the mirror Now I’m honest for no one. I was a liar for the mirror Now I’m honest for no one. I was a liar for the mirror Now I’m honest.
9.
Strangers 03:28
Oh holy night Graffiti on the walls Tattoos on his arms The bird of paradise calls me late Says ‘you still owe me twenty’ I say ‘I’m keepin’ it Long as it keeps you calling, honey’ So we buy another week I kill another memory of hating you, But hating you is how I know I knew you And We been strangers since We been strangers We been strangers since The last time I saw you We been strangers since We been strangers We been strangers since The last time I saw you Oh swollen night Last bulb flickering We wait, we break, we separate Only to start again My God, I pray You still owe me something I had a dream you kissed me on my shoulder But We been strangers since We been strangers We been strangers since The first time I met you We been strangers since We been strangers We been strangers since The first time I met you We played pretend We dressed up in our parents’ clothes You poured some honey in my beer I sipped it slow I woke up running down the hallway to the exit The right foot, left crescendo The dirty desperation I waited, And now I surround myself with boys Who idealize their high school girlfriends And We’ll be strangers ’til We’ll be strangers We’ll be strangers ’til The last time I see you. We’ll be strangers ’til We’ll be strangers We’ll be strangers ’til The last time I see you.
10.
Heavy Heart 04:46
You’re embodied And I’m embarrassed I should go but I stick around I know you won’t Want me later Anymore than You do now. And down the hall There is a girl who They’ve been calling Anyone. And anyone will Do anything That you ask her Just for fun. And like a memory of a teardrop in a red cup, I dream on And I see you, and how you see her, like nostalgia, like a song. So I’ve got a heavy heart. All these nights I Keep on going To the party By myself Just to sit by Knowing full well You’ve got eyes on Someone else But I can’t leave ‘cuz You like the record That my dad plays In his car And I can feel you Like that bass line I know who you really are So I’ve got a heavy heart.
11.
Every time you drive the car My body thinks we’re gonna die I’m sorry, I know it makes you mad How I’m always braced for impact. You see, my daddy was a wrestler You lost his daddy really young And when we were growing up He used to get so mad But I forgive him Because my brother taught me sympathy He said ‘he never got to learn, you see’ He said ‘he is just a man braced for impact’. And I have my mother’s shoulders And she has shoulders made of stone From a life spent reacting to the unknown She’s been quiet, iron-clad She’s been so long braced for impact. I have inherited this tension I keep it between my bones and skin I’m sorry, sometimes I get to mad It makes me itch, it makes me moan It makes me burst to be heard And to hurt And at worst To be left alone. But then there’s you And you make me calm I ride the ocean in your arms. You take me scared, you take me separate. You take me home ’til I am mended. You take it easy, make me laugh. Make me forget what I have been. Make me forget what I still am — Braced for impact.
12.
I’m a little virgin, all my life. I see the world in everybody’s eyes. So I’m a little anxious, I’m a little shy. I’m a little sad about what gets left behind. And everybody here’s trying to break my sky. They’ll chase me down until we run out of mile. But I’m just here for the very first time And that’s not long enough to give up trying. Oooh, you can’t make me care about your promises I gave up on finding peace so long ago, Because now I know, I’m only meant to look for it. I’m only meant to look for it. My old street’s got crumbling houses Old tire swings and boys that do not cry. I was your scraped knee, now I’m your compulsion, I’m your internet girlfriend sending my love from Russia. Oooh, you can’t make me care about your millions I gave up on finding peace so long ago, Because now I know, I’m only meant to look for it. I’m only meant to look for it. But I’m a little virgin, all my life. I will remain that way until the day I die And when everything around me kneels and cries, I see the sun come up, and I begin to smile.

about

All songs written & Produced by Girl Blue
Engineered, Produced & Mixed by Scoops Dardaris
Mastered by Steve Fallone of Sterling Sounds
Recorded at White Lake Studios in Albany, NY

Arielle O'Keefe -- Vocals, Acoustic Guitars, Production
Jimi Woodul -- Electric Guitars
Dan DeKalb -- Piano, Synths
Ben Woodul -- Bass
Josh Morris -- Drums, Percussion

Gang Vocals on track 10 Heavy Heart -- Dan Maddalone, Jimmy Dzembo, Kiki Vassilakis, Arielle O'Keefe, Jimi Woodul, Scoops Dardaris, Dan DeKalb, Ben Woodul, and Josh Morris.

credits

released December 15, 2021

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Girl Blue Troy, New York

Girl Blue is the project of solo artist Arielle O’Keefe. Compared often to the likes of Laura Marling, Jeff Buckley, and Alanis Morissette, she is a powerhouse vocalist with the rare ability to write songs that both catch the ear and touch the heart. She plays out regularly around the country and records music in upstate NY with Just Pretend Records. ... more

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